Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No
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By Henry Cloud and John Townsend
This book goes over how to set boundaries so that you can have some control over your life. I figured if I was going to parent my kids so that they would have boundaries, I better make sure I have my own boundaries first, which is why I read this one first (there is a Boundaries with Kids also, that is popular).
At the very beginning I started to think that this book was more focused to those who were abused in some fashion as children, which trust me, this book is for, but it is for all adults who have a hard time saying no, or for those adults who feel guilty and upset when they say yes but wanted to say no.
I had planned on flying through this book, because, like I said, I don't think I have boundary issues - however, I spent three weeks on this book really diving into and pondering over different points it makes about issues one might have setting boundaries.
One point I think was extremely helpful in the book was the discussion of how we should see our boundaries as fences, not there to bind us but to give us security. Also these fences need to have gates so we can allow good aspects into our lives, and remove some evil things that we might have accidentally let in. That visual really resonated with me. Boundaries aren't immovable walls that we are stuck behind. They are just there so we know what we are responsible for and what we aren't. That way we don't get overwhelmed with other people's issues, or expect too much from others when it comes to our own responsibilities.
A reason why I took so much from this book is because Cloud and Townsend used so many scriptural references to back up their points. Setting boundaries, saying no to people in need, or yes for that matter can be a touchy subject, especially for Christians. Knowing that they had their ideas come from scripture, and being able to go to the Bible and see for myself, gave their points a little more weight.
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"When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying
no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish...
To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like: No;
I disagree..." (p 50)
As parents, I think, we often feel that we should always have the final say, and not allow our children the ability to say if they don't want to do something. Allowing them to have some chance to say no, and realize they are heard is important as they learn to set their boundaries. This is important because if they aren't allowed to say no, and have it followed, they start to fear not love, and then they can't be honest about what is in their power. Now don't get me wrong, kids don't get their way all the time, and that is fine. But recognising the times when their no does count is important. And let them know when and why their no is not being listened to - does that make sense? If not, and you are curious, read this book!
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I really could go on and on about all the tips and pointers that I found useful in this book, but then why would you go and read it if I did? So if you have a hard time saying no, are upset when you say yes, feel out of control of your life, or like me wanted to make sure you have boundaries you can show your kids you live by, go check out this book. I got it through my local library for my Kindle, so it's easy to find! And when you are done reading it, come tell me what you thought!
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13 coment�rios
I like the concept of boundaries being fences, there for our protection. I got burned out at church several years ago, because I was saying yes to everything, I thought I was doing right, but soon discovered I wasn't. When you aren't serving out of joy, then you need a break. I pray now, and let God show me what He wants me to do, this has led to peace and joy in my serving.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to serving to much and getting burned out. It is important to know when to say no, and when to say yes. And making sure we are listening to God, not to people (including well-meaning Christians) is key.
DeleteGreat review, Marissa! You're right, it's so important to establish good boundaries in our lives.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marissa, for doing the hard work of explaining enough of the information in this book to give those of us who haven't read it a good idea of it's content. Sounds like it really has some helpful info and always good to hear when something uses Scripture as the source. Thanks also for linking up to B&BB. I'm praying that your week and your ministry will be blessed. Bless you! Gail
ReplyDeleteThanks for the heads up on the book. I look at boundaries as a framework through which I gain freedom, whether they are boundaries in my faith, my finances, or in my activities beyond my home.
ReplyDeleteHi Marissa,
ReplyDeleteI have read a couple of the Boundaries books and thought they were excellent. I saw you over at Naomi's link up at What Joy is Mine and enjoyed reading your review.
After reading your review I think I need to read this book again. When I first read it I was reading it in regards to creating boundaries between me and my parents not my children. This is some good stuff. I would love it if you would consider linking this up to Titus 2 Tuesdays. This is right down the alley of why TTT was created.
ReplyDeletehttp://cornerstoneconfessions.com
Hope to see you there.
Kathy
I can see how you would read this book for boundaries with parents - it is addressed often, a whole chapter for it in fact. I just think those are the hardest boundaries to figure out, and with our own children we can (with God's help) set up a good boundary system for them to help them when they are adults.
DeleteSure I'll link this post up too. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
And thank you for linking up!
DeleteSounds like a really good book. I think this is something almost everyone struggles with at times at least if not all the time. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Charlotte
I have never heard of this book but you gave a good idea of what the book is about. I believe boundaries are very important. Thank you for sharing this at WJIM.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this on Saturday Show and Tell. Cloud and Townsend have some great books, their different books in the boundaries series are great resources for different situations. I can't wait for you to share again this week.
ReplyDelete-Mackenzie
http://www.cheeriosandlattes.com
Boundaries was one of the best lessons I learned...and am still learning.
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking up with Keeping It Real at www.moretobe.com.
I love comments!!
Let me know what you thought of this one... don't forget to share your blog link so I can stop by!