Five Minute Friday: AfraidFriday, February 01, 2013
Writing is a break for me. Life can be so full - the dailies take over and before I know it the day is past. Did I even do anything else? That is why I include play time with my boys and reading books to them on my dailies! Well for me it works...
So committing myself to this space to write, is a chance to for me to breathe in the middle of my crazy life. Which is why I try to link up weekly with Lisa Jo's Five Minute Fridays - if you are feeling the need to take a few minutes to breathe, check it out!
Not feeling good was part of the process for me, I mean 34 week pregnant bodies are not the same as thin, exercise-loving twenty-four year old bodies. I didn't think it was anything.
My dog did.
I finished dinner. Set the table. Took away my setting, just not feeling the food. Waited for my husband to get home.
I sat with him as he ate... taking a couple breaks to empty the bladder flattened by baby. The dog had to join my in that bathroom each time...
Something was different... husband handed over the phone as we called the doctor.
"Might be nothing... better to check it out at the hospital, just in case..." Those were the words I held on to as changed clothes (didn't quite make it to the bathroom that time... hmmm....) and headed to the car. It was a super warm late February night - no coat.
I walked myself to the maternity ward. They said they'd already had three false alarms, seemed like the night of false alarms, no worries.
Then the words I knew were coming... the words I had prayed wouldn't be said... the words you have nightmares about... "Your water broke, is mostly gone. You are in labor. We'll get your doctor."
In labor? But there were no contractions... just all those trips to the bathroom... and my dog who wouldn't leave my side... and now fear - I was afraid.
The heartbeat wasn't where they expected to find it - it was higher - my early arrival wasn't ready to come out - before I could even try to breathe through a contraction I was being prepped for surgery - afraid took on a new level.
That moment all pregnant-soon-to-be-mamas wait for, the statement "you have a healthy baby boy, with ten fingers and ten toes" I didn't hear it. That fear took over - medicine soothed me.
Then I was awake, in recovery. He was fine, my little preemie was fine.
That feeling of being afraid, it doesn't get washed away so easily as waking from a medicinal sleep... that feeling, that mama fear, it only gets washed away with loving Grace from One who creates.
I am still learning that answer to fear, four years later.